In my heart, there exists a man who I can’t let go of. I now recognize that this man that I married, I had created and told myself was real is a reflection of myself. Early in the relationship, we seemed to have everything in common and get along so well. I was totally swept off my feet. I had someone intensely devoted to me, who lavished attention on me, and was deeply interested in everything I said and did. He told me I was the smartest woman he’d ever met and that he loved my sense of humor. He encouraged me and empowered me to take risks and achieve more. I thought we were so in sync and everything was looking rosy and beautiful.
As time went on, the facade fell and faded away. However, I constantly denied myself and my own feelings. I said to myself that that initial man I found and married was the real man I had before me. Even though he made mistakes, this was the real truth. He enjoyed how I stroked his ego and told all my friends and family about this amazing man that I married.
Now that the relationship is over, it’s so hard to get past the reality that my mind had been clouded to the point that I created a figment of my imagination. That person was so real and so attractive, though. It’s hard to leave him and forget that I am actually dealing with a narcissist and a sociopath.
Good-bye, my one true love. I wish that we could have grown old together. I think about sitting on the back porch with some wine and cheese after the kids have gone to bed, just cuddling. I can feel you next to me when I close my eyes. I thought that when we kissed, it meant everything was going to be okay, that I was appreciated and lucky that you chose me. The man I loved was patient, waiting on me through childbirths and weird self-esteem issues, patiently helping me and telling me I was still beautiful. The man I loved only wanted to be with me and would not entertain the attentions of other women. I loved a man who believed in God and wanted to share his faith with his family. He worked hard to provide a good life for us and his every thought was in creating a happy home.
How I wish that person could be real. My great regret in life is that he could never be the man I wanted or the man I thought I had. The loss of all of this time in my life weighs on me, a loss of a relationship that was never close. It was so far from me that I never actually knew what it was or participated in it. He never let me in enough to know who he was. It was easier for him to pretend to be someone else.
