How You Can Stand Against Mom-Shaming

You share the articles on Facebook about being part of the amazing #momtribe.

You tell your co-worker they are doing a great job.

You brought a meal to the new mom.

But are you really being a supportive mom and friend?

When I took a good hard look at myself and my own behavior, while I thought I was doing all I could to be inclusive of other moms, appreciate of others’ world views and political beliefs (holy November, I’m glad that’s over), and even open to other parenting styles, I probably wasn’t as open and supportive as I could have been.

Being a mom, or parent for that matter, brings you into a new, amazingly complicated, exhausting world of parenting that helps people bond. It helps you create friendships with people you may not have otherwise had the chance of meeting, because you are tied together by this crazy life stage when you realize you NEED friendship more than ever. You need someone to vent to in the middle of the day when your colicky baby won’t sleep. You need someone to help you figure out nursing techniques because nothing is working. You need someone else to tell you that they miss their career too, that you aren’t selfish in thinking that.

All of those bonding opportunities are so helpful during the parenthood season. But equally powerful are the moments when people tear others down.

I have a friend who joined a group of moms a year or so ago and she loved the friendships she found. Only to discover about a year later those women decided she didn’t fit into their group of moms anymore. They simply stopped talking to her. No explanation. No talk over coffee. That year of bonding over babies and tears over trials went down the drain. It left my friend upset, hurt and alone.

It made me angry when I heard what happened to her. How could women be so hurtful? So mean? What happened to modeling behavior that we want our children to do? Would we ever encourage our kids to treat another friend that way? But you’ve probably witnessed mom-shaming too in other (more obvious) ways. What did you do?

She obviously doesn’t discipline him enough. His behavior is terrible. 

She’s never home with her children. She travels all the time for work. Of course, they are acting out.

Her child is well past two and her son is still breastfeeding. I would never be comfortable with that and it can’t be good for him long-term. 

You’ve probably heard these types of comments before in your mom groups. What did you do?

When I heard what had happened to my friend, it made me want to be a better friend to her and all my mom friends. It made me want to stop any type of mom-shaming I may have been doing, and stand against it when I heard it happening. It made me realize that sometimes saying nothing can be just as hurtful as doing the mom-shaming myself. 

Being supportive of other moms doesn’t always mean you will be popular. That same mentality of high school sadly exists in some mom groups. Some people like to be bullies. But that doesn’t mean you have to join in or ignore it.

Here are six ways to make sure you’re staying on the high road in mom groups and in your friendships, even when it goes against the grain.

1. Step outside of your comfort zone. Meet friends outside of your community and outside of your normal circle. Diversity in friendships is powerful. It brings you exposure to new worlds, religions, cultures and even parts of Columbus you wouldn’t have thought to explore before.
2. Stand up to mom-shaming. She picked her child up from daycare at gasp 7 p.m.? Make it clear you aren’t comfortable in judging another mom for whatever reason. Offer a blame-free comment. “She must have been stuck in traffic. Been there – it’s the worst!” If it’s truly an attack on a mom that’s your friend, simply say, “Let’s talk about something else. I don’t feel right saying something about a situation I know nothing about.” A little passive-aggressive? Maybe. But it does the job. If it’s downright nasty, consider a private conversation with the mom-shamer. 
3. Stand strong in your beliefs and be open to others. Sometimes being inclusive of others can make you feel like you are being wishy-washy in your own beliefs, but it doesn’t have to be that way. All you need to do is listen and be open to what they are sharing. Learn from their experiences. Kids love learning about other cultures and areas of the world. When you are open to learning about your friends’ religions and cultures, your children benefit.  
4. Plan playdates that are convenient for all. I’ve been on the side of the working mom and the stay at home mom. I get why each of them prefer weekend playdates and weekday morning playdates, respectively. But that often leaves out a group of friends. If you can, pick a time that works for everyone. While it may not work for absolutely all your friends, they’ll appreciate the gesture.
5. Compliment your friends. I have one friend who sends me texts from time to time that really encourage me when it comes to blogging. A simple “your last article was really great,” can go a long way. When you tell another mom that you’re proud of her professional accomplishments, killer appetizer recipe, dedication to a new hobby or bright new home design, tell her. Tell her what you appreciate about her. That one compliment may make her day and give her the extra strength she needed to get through an exhausting day.
6. Don’t be a unicorn mom. No matter what your mommy labels may be, we all have bad days and struggle. We all have days we wish we could curl up in a ball on our bathroom and eat Reese’s by ourselves. Be open to sharing your struggles with your friends. Trying to fake that your life is perfect won’t help anyone – you’ll feel alone because you aren’t getting any support and your friends will start to feel like they aren’t spending time with a real person.

 

How do you take a stand against mom-shaming?