Disclaimer: I am not an astrologer or psychic, nor do I play one on TV. I just thought this would be fun.
Halloween with kids is always a mixed bag of tricks and treats. Find out what’s in store for you this Halloween with my super accurate Halloween Mom Horoscope!
You will painstakingly carve beautifully detailed Jack O’ Lanterns for you and the kids in mid-October. They will be the envy of the neighborhood, and will last until the day before Halloween, when hungry squirrels eat their faces.
Your algorithmically-verified quantity of purchased Halloween candy will turn out to be the perfect amount. Enough for the trick-or-treaters, with half a bag of mini Snickers left over. Congratulations!
You will take your kids trick-or-treating in a different neighborhood in the name of exploration. You will get lost because all the streets are named after trees.
You will pull your kids along well-lit sidewalks, safely inside their red wagon. They will have glow sticks and flashlights to make them highly visible to vehicular traffic. You will be equipped with sippy cups, gloves, hats, baby wipes, hand sanitizer and a can of pepper spray in case you see anyone dressed as a clown. You and your precious brood will return home unscathed, whereupon you will promptly pour yourself a half-bottle of wine.
You will dress yourself and your kids in creative, cohesively-themed costumes, but will be secretly bummed when your kids get all the compliments.
Your baby will poop on you.
You’ll take one for the team and stay at home to hand out candy. You’ll watch “Thriller” on repeat just to feel like part of the action.
You and the kids will head out at 6 p.m. on the dot and won’t go home until the last house in the neighborhood has locked their door and shut off the porch light. You’ll let the kids stay up till 10 o’clock eating candy and watching “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” It will be a blast.
You’ll realize that your hilarious clown costume wasn’t the best idea after you are threatened with pepper spray by that weird neighbor with all the flashlights.
You will spend the whole evening asking kids and their adult handlers to kindly not walk on the grass. You’ll end up just yelling “Get off my lawn!” before all’s said and done.
You will be mortified to realize that the fellow mom you just complimented on her zombie get-up is not, in fact, dressed in costume. She has three kids and hasn’t had any coffee since 1 p.m.
You will step in dog poop.
Happy Halloween everyone!