I have always loved math! I minored in it in college. But I realize not everyone embraces equations the way I do. Regardless, since I have become a parent, I have created some new mathematical principles of my own I would like to share with you.
The Excursion Equation:
Amount of children x 15 minutes = amount of extra time to factor in for preparing children for leaving the house to go anywhere ÷ by the amount of adults present supervising efforts
Education Screen Time Theorem:
NOTE: NOT approved by the American Academy of Pediatrics
Crappy tv watching – Amount of time spent watching educational shows or apps = amount of total screen time for day
4 hours of Crappy TV watching – (2 hours of Wild Kratts + 1 hour of ABCMouse.com) = 1 hour of screen time that day
The Playdate Property of Parenting:
Adult Interaction Enjoyment of Playdate ^ +/-n x Child Interaction Enjoyment of Playdate ^ +/- n = Overall Likelihood of Future Dual Parent Present Playdates
– Parents Don’t Gel x + Kids Gel = One Parent Present Playdate
+Parents Gel Well x +Kids Gel Well = Playdate for both Parents and Kids
+ Parents Gel Well x – Kids DO NOT Gel Well = Parent’s Night Out Sans Children
My Prerogative Principle of Elapsed Time:
NOTE: Might teach children how to estimate time incorrectly.
If you are having a good time at the playground talking to parents, your previously mentioned 5 minute warning can turn into 15 or 20.
If you want to leave somewhere you are (e.g. the playground) in 5 minutes, but don’t want to deal with any fuss, just tell your kids, “ten more minutes,” but really leave in 5.
Commutative Property of Sick-day/Snow-day Situation
If you and/or one or more of your children are sick, or all kids are off on a consecutive snow day = watch all the screen time you want or need to survive + eat cereal or pizza for every meal
NOTE: Increased screen time for a few days, really won’t hurt anyone.
PEMDAS for Parents Who Dislike Math Homework:
Instead of remembering the Order of Operations like their children (Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally) these parents use this pneumonic device: Please Excuse My Drinking and Swearing
Liquid Measurement Conversion Chart on a Bad Parenting Day
NOTE: I’m only joking…I don’t condone drunk parenting or solving stress with alcohol.
Parents to 1 child = 1 alcoholic beverage after your child is in bed
Parents to 2 children = 2 alcoholic beverages after children are in bed
Parents to 3 or more children = Just go to bed yourself. It’s not worth it. Tomorrow is another day.