A friend of mine texted me early in the morning one day to tell me she was already having such a tough day with her 18-month-old son. Her text started with, “Ugh, I need strength today.” She was down with a cold, on top of some other health issues she’s been struggling with, her son was home from daycare for the day and had already had a pretty rough temper tantrum before 7:00 a.m. She said, “100% chance of mom guilt today as we do nothing but watch TV, rest, and I let him eat snacks all day long.” I knew immediately that a small act of love would go a long way. 

After just getting over the same ten day cold my friend was just getting, I could relate to her physical pain and emotional guilt. Caring for a little one all day is exhausting work; caring for a little one while you’re sick and in pain is a whole different struggle. We listened to each other, supported each other, laughed a little and ended our chat with a “solidarity, mama” and a fist bump emoji. My heart was aching for my friend. Thankfully, my daughter and I had the morning free and decided to help out our friends.

Over a yummy breakfast, I shared with my daughter that our friends were having a hard day and they were feeling tired and sad. I shared that we were going to head to the store to see what we could find to give them to brighten their day. We gathered up some fun gifts and then drove across town to leave the gifts outside their door (you don’t want to see anyone when you’re sick, you know?) and I texted her saying there was a little surprise on her front porch. 

To say that she was ecstatic, thankful, and beyond grateful were vast understatements. She loved the gifts… but I think the act of saying, “I understand how you’re feeling. I understand this is a hard day. And I’m here for you,” are really what her soul needed that day.

My husband and I talk about how embarrassed we are with the way we “helped out” our friends who became parents before we did. We were like, “Oh you guys created a human and no longer have time to eat, sleep or shower? Here’s a gift card to your favorite restaurant, that you won’t be able to go back to for at least nine months until you’re emotionally and physically ready to leave your kid with a sitter.” We had no idea what kinds of things would be helpful until we were finally in a parenting role.

All of us as parents have gone through tough times. Whether those newborn days were really hard, transitioning to one nap isn’t going so great, sending them off to college was rougher than anticipated… parenting always has it’s rough spots. When a friend is going through a tough time as a parent, sometimes the smallest acts of love have the biggest impact. 

Although we are still learning, my husband and I compiled a list of the top 10 things we’ve found to be helpful acts of love since having our daughter. (Note: these acts of love can be helpful for parents in all stages of life; after all, we all need some TLC and support every now and then.)

10 Acts of Love for a Friend

1. Leave food on their front porch. Trust me, they love you, would love to see you, but they’re going bald as we speak from the stress and lack of sleep. Just dropping off something yummy and fresh on their doorstep will somehow change their entire day around. Food is a love language for so many of us, parents included. 
2. Make their bed and put their dishes away. When we had our daughter, a friend brought me the most delicious Panera salad, then immediately went upstairs to put clean sheets on our bed. That food filled my soul and the small act of service that took her three minutes was an absolute game-changer for my exhausted soul.
3. Fold their laundry. When I went to visit my friend and her little one at home for the first time, I took her some comfort food, a little caffeine, and then told her I was going to fold her laundry. She is one of those emotionally strong and independent friends so I know she sort of hated me doing something for her. Secretly, she also loved it and still talks about how that small act meant so much to her. It meant so much to me to see her feed her son while I folded his teeny-tiny onesies. 
4. Send ice cream. Yes, you read that right. Send ice cream in the mail. One day I went outside to discover a cooler-like package on our porch. I noticed a tiny little Graeter’s logo on the front and opened it up to find that friends from out of state mailed us six pints of the most delicious ice cream. Holy moly it was the best surprise ever.
5. Gift your favorite gifts. Another out-of-state friend sent us a package that had all of her favorite baby must-haves in it. It had old pacifier straps that her daughter wanted to give to the new baby, favorite books, a NoseFrida, and cloth diapers which she said will be the best burp cloths ever. Just knowing that such a kind friend sent us all the must-haves we needed was so calming as we were trying to keep a human alive those first days. And there’s something special about hearing, “This worked for us and we hope it will work for you, too” from someone you trust. 
6. Just be present. You don’t have to send or deliver gifts. You don’t have to provide all the parenting advice in the world. You don’t need to make a meal or pick up coffee or wine. You can just send a text. Send a card to say, “I’m thinking of you. I care for you. I see you. I love you.” Ask if a friend would like some company during nap time where the two of you can just sit and reconnect. Just be there. Sometimes that’s all parents need. 
7. Send something or show up at less predictable times. Helpful visitors at the hospital and home those first couple of weeks are great, but sometimes it can be a little much for a mama who’s recovering or a baby who’s trying to transition to the world. Showing up with a little TLC for mama, dad, or babe when it’s least expected, like months down the road, is such a sweet surprise.
8. Listen to what your friends need. Sometimes I had to tell family and friends, “no” when they wanted to come visit. Especially early on, with a week-old baby, and my body literally falling out of itself, when no one was sleeping, my anxiety was sky high and I just needed a minute to try to wrap my brain around this huge transition… I just needed to say no to visitors. If a friend tells you they need you to swing by with baby aspirin, do it. But if a friend tells you they just need a little time to get used to a new transition the baby is going through, trust that they’re being honest and standing up for their needs… which is usually pretty tough for us parents to do.
9. Ask how they’re doing. Our daughter is obviously my whole entire life. I changed into a new person when she was born. But I’m still a person, too. I still struggle emotionally, have things to celebrate, want to share my beliefs on something other than parenting… and I want people to check in and ask how I am. Check in on your parent friends, especially those who are going through something difficult with their little one. 
10. Remember there are other kiddos (if there are). Sometimes siblings really struggle with becoming big brothers or sisters. They often feel forgotten or unloved as they are no longer the center of attention. Offer to take a big sibling out to a park for an hour so parents can bond with baby, or offer to spend some time with the baby so the parents can reconnect with older siblings.