Some of my earliest memories are about my desire to mother. I so looked up to my mother and seriously viewed her as a superhero. I wanted to be exactly like her and wanted the opportunity to care for my own children. When my baby brother was born when I was 7, this desire was only fueled by watching how tender and loving my mom was towards him. This desire inspired me to start babysitting young, to nanny through college and to pursue degrees focusing on child development, infant mental health, and eventually social work. My love for kids has guided the direction for my career into pediatric social work, attachment theory work, and the medical world. And of course, it helped me be insanely convincing when I wanted my first baby right after marrying my pretty much perfect husband!
Now I wish I could say that all of this desire, knowledge, and my degrees made mothering come naturally to me. While in some ways it did, in many ways it did not. It has been a learning roller coaster, from the chaos of a hard pregnancy, a 32-hour labor, the insanity of learning how to breastfeed, figuring out how to play and entertain a baby, and now learning how to manage two-year-old tantrums. Navigating all of the milestones and the changes that occurred these first few year
s has also been bittersweet due to the absence of my own mother. I have yearned to ask her for advice, to seek her approval, and to have her help. She made breastfeeding, discipline, hard conversations, play, and mothering look so easy. I find myself thinking of her and what advice she’d offer me, and I am confident that she had a special role in picking me to be Annabeth’s mom.
As Annabeth has gotten older, we have talked more and more about adding another tiny human to our family. We have always imagined having more children and when the time came for us to seriously consider getting pregnant again, I couldn’t help but notice my heart sinking when I realized how many changes a new baby will bring for our sweet girl. But here we are! And as we’ve conquered some of the first hard weeks of pregnancy, I have spent time putting my emotions on paper to give to my big girl one day.
Annabeth -my sweet baby girl,
There is something truly miraculous about being my firstborn. Your arrival and your new presence were so awaited for. Holding you and snuggling you on my chest on your Birthday are some of the most favorite moments in my life. Your birth was restorative to me, as you brought back some of the light and love that I had so missed since I lost my momma, your Nana. You have proven to me how much love I have
in my heart to give, and have even reflected some of that love back to me.
The weeks and months that have passed since your arrival have all been a blessing. I have fallen in love with your personality, your expressions, your sass, and your sincerity over and over again. You love passionately, play ferociously, and explore willingly. It is a privilege to watch your personality bloom as you become the sassy, opinionated human that you want to be! I love watching you explore your world, play with your friends, and engage with your environment. I have known for awhile how great of a big sister you will be, but it has rocked me to my core to think of adding another baby to our little family.
Mommy is so sorry for all the “no’s” you have heard lately, and all the times that your once playful momma hasn’t been so happy nor playful. Mommy is sorry for not carrying you, holding you, and putting you “uppies” in your sling quite as much as your little heart would like. Your two-year-old world is quite intimidating as it is, and mommy is sorry for adding to some of the confusion you have.
Baby girl, thank you. Thank you for patiently understanding that mommy has been sick for a few months while growing this new baby. Thank you for enjoying our snuggle sessions on the couch just as much as I do. Thank you for always flashing your big smiles as your curls bounce around your little face. You give the greatest hugs and the warmest kisses. Thank yo
u for accompanying this journey in our family, and for choosing us to be your mommy and daddy. Thank you for having so much love to give, and forgiving us when we mess up and fail you. Thank you for being the happiest, full of life toddler I have truly ever met- making this job so much more enjoyable.
I know that there is so much in your little world that you cannot control, and I can only imagine how scary that must be at times.I know that when your baby brother/sister arrives, I won’t be able to devote 100% of my time and attention to you. And I know that you’ll be too young to understand why mommy can’t immediately get up to play with you. While I know that this is the right next step for our family, I cannot help but grieve as we enter our last few months as a family of three. Where you truly are the center of our world.
I wish that I could sa
y that this would be the one and only time of letting you down or failing you, but I know that this is just the beginning. Your patience for your sick and tired momma right now gives me confidence that you will be able to be patient with your needy new brother/sister in a few short months. And while I ask you to be patient with me, please know that I am committed to being more and more patient with you as you figure out this big crazy world that you’re apart of.
Annabeth, I know that I will make mistakes along the way. I trust that you will be my guide in showing us what you need as you have done from day one. Being your mother is a gift I promise to never take for granted, as it is a blessing I know that I am lucky to have. You have my whole heart baby girl, for my whole life.
love,
your pregnant momma
