Children Learn from Curious Parents

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After a horrible decision on my part of letting my kids watch Captain Underpants and then the second worst idea, checking out all the Captain Underpants books from the library, potty talk in our house is becoming as prevalent as every trip to the bathroom. I have had many not-so-proud parenting moments of telling my boys, “That is inappropriate,” “It’s not ok to touch your sister’s diaper,” and “Stop using potty talk!” Finally, my oldest son said, “Mommy does want us to have N-O F-U-N!” That is absolutely not true, I do want them to have fun. So, I told my children in the late evening they could go to a special place called “B-E-D.” At this point, by the end of the evening, I was sick of hearing myself talk and telling my children what to do.

Babies and Curiosity

Remember those proud moments as parents when we curiously asked our babies, “What is that?” We answered our own question, “That is a flower.” We asked with wonderment and joy, “What color is it?” And answered “Yellow.” We asked the same questions to our babies on every walk past the same flower. We went to the grocery store and pointed to all the colorful fruits and vegetables and labeled them to our babies. After the second grocery store trip that week, we pointed out the same fruits and vegetables.

Why Don’t our Children Listen?

As our babies become toddlers, we might be asking why don’t they listen? We tell our toddlers with much frustration to get their shoes on for the 10th time, tell our preschoolers to put on their pajamas 20 times, or tell our school-age children to hang up their backpacks. Where did our curiosity go when our babies became toddlers? We expect them to automatically acquire, generalize and be proficient at these skills. We expect that when we tell our children repeatedly to do something, they will eventually do it. Why not ask a question instead of telling our children what to do? Just like our babies are learning the word flower, our toddlers and preschoolers are still learning how to get dressed and take care of their belongings despite all the Pinterest posts about developmental milestones that tell us what our children should be doing and when.

According to Josh Kaufman, the author of the “Personal MBA: Master the Arts of Business.” It takes 20 hours to learn anything. Several studies in the fields of motor and cognitive skill acquisition have found that there are dramatic improvements in the first few hours of practicing a new skill and then our rate of improvement declines known as the “power law of practice.” Our children may not be listening, they may be distracted, AND they also may be learning developmental milestones.

Making Mistakes

Has there been a time you forgot your sunglasses at home, forgot to run the dishwasher, or even left a light on in the car? Would you rather your husband say from the other room “run the dishwasher” or ask, “Is the dishwasher clean?” Most people do not like to be told what to do. When people are told what to do, our physical response is to resist. Just like our babies are asked so many questions to learn the words of objects around them, they should also be treated with that same respect as children by asking them questions when learning skills and making mistakes along the way, just like adults make mistakes. Come from a place of pure and authentic wonder with your children. Be curious about your child’s response rather than hoping for the “correct” response or the response you are hoping your child will say or do. They will be willing to share with you so much more, connect with you, and be open to listening to you.

Research on Curiosity

Our children’s brains love curiosity! Researchers from the University of California discovered that curiosity prepares the brain for learning. Curiosity puts the brain in a state that allows it to learn and retain any kind of information. When curiosity is sparked, there is an increased activity in the hippocampus, which is the region of the brain involved in the creation of memories. It also activates the brain circuit which releases dopamine that “feel-good” chemical related to reward and pleasure.

What is a Curiosity Question?

Rather than giving commands, what would it look like for you to come from a place of curiosity and wonderment? For example:

“What do you need to put on before we get in the car?

“Where do your dirty clothes go?”

“How can you keep all of your belongings safe after school?”

“I’m wondering why you are so interested in your sister’s diapers?” or

“Where did you get this new-found interest in wedgies? And do you know what a wedgie is?”

Teaching Responsibility with Curiosity

You may ask, does asking curiosity questions teach my child responsibility? Yes. As parents, we are the captains of the ship, guiding our children throughout the day. This may come in the form of a curiosity question to our children to guide them in the direction of independence, to think for themselves with us giving them a compass with direction to a place of self-discovery and an internal compass of making small decisions for themselves. Curious babies become curious children. When we model curiosity, our children become curious to learn responsibility and life skills.

In this process, of this new-found interest in diapers and potty talk in our house, I took it upon myself, to start potty training with my 2-year-old daughter, hoping the yelling about diapers would subside. However, Tra- La- La, now we have another Captain Underpants in the house. With three Captain Underpants in our house, I think I better brush up on my curiosity questions and then head off to my fun place of the B-E-D! So, “How will you ask and not tell?”

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Morgan Metcalf
Morgan Metcalf has lived in Ohio her entire life. She grew up near Cleveland where she met her husband who serenaded her with 1980s Power Ballads. Fortunately, her husband convinced her to move to Columbus 12 years ago. She is often found chasing after her two rambunctious boys and determined little girl at playgrounds, at home, the grocery store… you get the idea. Because she loves chasing, in her free time you can often find Morgan running or working out to keep up with her active children and then falling asleep reading parenting books. She is humbled every day by the lessons her three children teach her. Morgan is passionate about encouraging and empowering parents and teachers in Positive Discipline. It has changed her relationships with her children in a positive direction. She is a licensed school psychologist and a certified Positive Discipline Educator with The Power of Positive Solutions. She facilitates trainings and classes for parents, teachers, and administrators.