Dear Babies,
I’m so sorry that we are getting a divorce. I never wanted this to happen. I never thought this could happen. Years ago, I fully intended to raise you in a loving, two-parent environment that would be ideal for your development. I had everything planned out and thought nothing could go wrong. In life, things do go wrong, however. Our character lies in how we handle the situation and try to move on. Through my actions here (sometime down the road once you are old enough to understand), I hope that I can teach you that you deserve always to be loved and respected. Never take anything less than that.
As I have always done, I vow to do my best to continue to provide for your well-being. I might not ever have much money, but I have all the love that a Mommy can give you. You are my world. I watch as you sleep, in awe of your beautiful face and I think of that child I carried in my body and brought into this world. The thought of not being around you as much as I used to or getting to stay home and raise you because of the divorce really kills me. There’s such a sense of loss in losing this marriage, losing time with you, and the life you will have to live that is the opposite of what I wanted.
My pain and my healing take a back seat to you and trying to help you get through this time. I know it will be hard. No mother wants to see her child suffer and go through discord in the family. I pray that somehow I can shield you enough for you to turn out okay. There’s so much in this situation that I can’t control and that is what’s so difficult for me to get through right now. I can only control loving you and how I will always love you, even if somehow you become alienated from me or you have to go live with your dad because that’s what the court thinks is best.
I hope you don’t end up being abused like I was. I want you to know inherently how special you are and do not let anyone take that away from you. Your opinions do matter. Be kind to others even if you think there’s no reward and no reason to do it. Even though I continually have been beaten down through this divorce, I will always do that. However, I want you to see how I maintain my dignity and respectfulness toward others. I hope you understand that your challenge is to make the world a better place. It’s not always about “winning”; sometimes, you have to lose everything and still find a way to focus on what matters. It’s really about loving your family and having people you know you can count on. I will always be there for you no matter what.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I hope someday you’ll see that this will be better than what your life would have been like if we tried to “stay together for the kids.” Hopefully, even 50% of a parent living an authentic life is enough. Sometimes I’ll be sad and upset, but maybe it’s okay for you to see that Mommy can’t always be having fun and going to the zoo every day. Sometimes it’s okay to cry and hug your babies. Sometimes you have to take a knee and ask for help. It’s okay to talk about the hard things.
I pray every day that you turn out alright. I know God has a plan; I just can’t figure out what it is. In about 15 years, I believe that you’ll be successful and beautiful, on your way and not realizing everything that happened during the divorce to get you to where you will be. This is my fervent wish. I hope I haven’t done something to make you less successful or scar you for life. I hope I can pick up the pieces for you if that’s what happens and support and heal you. I hope my love and dedication to you will be enough.
I hope I’ve shown you that I will do anything for you. I carried you inside me, gave birth to you, stayed up every night with you crying, fed you from my body, and now I am just starting to stand in solidarity with you when you try to poop on the potty. I’ll never go anywhere through those messy times or those tantrum days. Even if I can’t be with you because of the divorce, my heart is always there and I hope you feel it beating. Once, before you were born, I could feel your heart beating when I put my hand on my belly. That’s how close we’ll always be.
I love you,
Mom
