Why didn’t you just leave before you cheated? What if you had said, “This isn’t satisfying for me anymore.” You said you had felt like this for years. Clearly it was even before we had kids. Did you think about how they would feel after their family broke up? You obviously expected that I would stay after you told me that you had cheated. Is that the message you wanted the kids to hear? “Stay no matter what. If someone cheats on you, it’s your fault for not being a desirable enough spouse to keep their attention.” I sent my message too: Never let someone disrespect you like that. Ever.
You somehow blame me for your cheating behavior. This is so asinine to me now but I was traumatized at the time, thinking, “Yes you’re right. I have gotten so fat and stupid (I guess it’s Mommy Brain) and overall worse over time. I will have to work extra hard so you’ll want to be with me instead of all those other women you were sleeping with.”
This is me today owning the statement: It’s not my fault. This is your fault. You did so many things to invite infidelity and committed to it. You had many chances to leave or fix things and you didn’t. Instead, you cheated. A normal person just leaves if they’re not happy instead of cheating or they try counseling or actually having a conversation to fix things. But you wanted to cheat, you chose to because you wanted to hurt all of us. You had a choice and a million opportunities to stop before you did the deed. Then afterwards, you had a long time to tell me and you lied by omission every second.
You are a coward. You will have to live with the consequences of your actions every day. I realize you probably don’t care at all, just like you never cared when you were with her while I was hugely pregnant with your baby, taking care of your other baby, all by myself watching the kids, trying to take care of a toddler and a newborn, or any of those other things that wives do because they are devoted. I watched your kids while you got to screw around. Literally staying up with babies and diligently cleaning butts by myself while you got a motel room with someone else. I made you breakfast when you came home because I didn’t know what you had been doing.
All of the lying at each step for so long put us all in danger. What if you gave us the virus from your philandering and cheating? Your babies could have died. What if you gave me an STD? Your baby could have had a serious birth complication or died. Was it worth it? You’d just say, “That wouldn’t have happened and it didn’t happen.” Ok, but do you realize you just got very lucky that it didn’t? This shows me the complete lack of respect that you really had for us.
My own heart tries to find a place for the anger that I feel but I can only offer it up to God and ask Him for help. I still have to raise these babies and I don’t have the luxury of being immature and impetuous about my feelings like you do. They are watching me so I will take the high road and we can see if the high road somehow lets me drive back over you on the way.
I mourn the loss of the man I thought you were. I know now that you were always cheating and lying to me. You were and are incapable of loving anyone the way a wife deserves to be loved. I can carry with me all the good things I did in the marriage, all of my devotion and tender care, and am proud of that energy. I direct that to the kids. I know there can still be hope for me to have the things I want. The kids will always know that I am committed to them and they’ll have someone capable of being solely committed to them.
I hope somehow you recognize every terrible thing you’ve done and it makes you try harder to be a good parent. I hope it makes you want to be better. I can only hope in my heart that it does. I hope you get the mental help that you deserve and need. I hope you never have the opportunity to hurt the kids like you have hurt me. But, judging by your behavior when you made vows to me and broke them without much thought or care at all, I don’t actually hold out much hope.
I try to think about how I did nothing wrong. I have more growing and blossoming I can do. My best times are ahead. Yours may never come to pass unless you learn how to actually have genuine love for another person. I can reclaim everything you took from me on my own terms. I can be supremely happy alone, with no one disrespecting me or cheating on me and just focusing on my children. Maybe someday if it works for me, I might find a different man who can actually show me what a man is instead of whatever pathetic Alpha male stupidity you embody, which is not manhood at all. A man protects and loves his wife, he teaches his children how to love. He communicates his needs and maintains self control.
But right now, I’ll focus on myself. I will be better every single day and I will be happier than even before I met you. If there’s anything good that has come out of this, it’s that I have learned how strong I can be. I am motivated to live my best life and not settle for the terrible treatment you have shown me for years. Nobody can take away the pride I have in my behavior and my ability to cope. I can say that this relationship has ended but my story has not. I am closing the chapter but there are hundreds of pages left.
I’m going to claw my way out of this cocoon to be the Queen that I was always meant to be.