I consider myself new to this “Mommy Chapter” in the book of life. I had always wanted to be a mom. I had as many baby dolls as my bedroom could hold, I had changing tables, doll cribs and even itty biddy baby doll diapers. I daydreamed endlessly of the day I’d have my own human baby to care for. I even recall asking, more like begging, my mom at around the age of 10 if I could have a baby (for the record, I was not up to speed on how babies actually were made… I just knew I had to have one or twelve). She kindly, swiftly, said, “not yet”.

In my very young and inexperienced ways, my thoughts about motherhood involved being fun, loving and, of course, the “cool” mom in addition to a loving, compassionate, protective and dedicated mother. Two years into motherhood, I still want to be all these things including being that “cool mom” someday. .

What I didn’t realize was how much I would worry, how strong my fear for my children’s wellbeing would be. How real and, at times, very irrational my thoughts would be. During a normal early morning drive to work I will worry about them getting severely injured when I’m an hour away from them or when I walk out the door to go to a short dinner with a friend I think what if that was my last “goodbye, I love you” and I’d leave them alone with no mother at a young age or, worse, that they would have an accident or issue and they would leave me forever. It can, at times, haunt my thoughts. This fear and worry hit me at the worst and the best of times; when I’m loving every little snuggle at bedtime and I think “what if he stops breathing in his sleep?” Or when I am picking out clothes for the next season and I say “what if he isn’t here to wear them?” Or when I plan a vacation a year out and I think “what if something happens to me or their daddy and it’s not what we planned it to be?” Needless to say, it is and will be increasingly difficult to be the cool, calm, collected mom.

I had not prepared myself for this part of the transition into motherhood. I don’t know if I’m alone or not but I hope I am because no one should have so much of their joyfulness covered in worry. However, if I’m not alone or you haven’t had this happen to you yet, maybe I can give some tips and tricks on what is working for me so that I can focus, fight and fiercely commit to getting to the kind of person and mother I tend to be, choosing love and aliveness over fear.

• I had to recognize the irrational and distorted thoughts but also my dreams. I would write hopes, dreams and fears down, the feelings around them. I even wrote a letter to my future self about what I want most. I would find a picture that connects with my hopes and dreams, to give them an identity and some power.
• I then start to connect with myself and the real emotions. I have to learn each time the fearful feelings come up. I need to learn about where it is coming from and what is behind it or underneath it. Honestly, it’s often love. So much love that it’s frightening.
• I then process. Over time I have learned that avoiding things I don’t like (ahem, fear, worry, all the bad things that could happen) will only make them that much worse when it comes back. And, it will come back! It gets more power by being ignored or brushed under the rug. In this process piece, I just simply let it be there, don’t ignore it, don’t avoid – I just sit with it to go through it as bad as it feels. Sometimes writing it down helps, sometimes screaming, crying, talking to my husband, friends or my 10-year-old dog (he’s the best listener of all).
• I then recover, just a little, not totally and not forever but for the moment I heal a little bit at a time. I come through it often with new clarity, learning, new awareness, perspective and new energy for my hopes, dreams and future. I get stronger. I get more equipped for the next time.

So, for the record… I will probably always be the wannabe. But I’m still aiming high! I will always worry but what I hope through continuing to recognize and recover that I won’t be debilitated with worry when I want to get on an airplane to go to Hawaii for my 10 year anniversary (hint, hint husband). I am able to strive to raise good humans and that my children feel love stronger than their fear and that they are strong enough to fight for their dreams no matter how uncomfortable. This complex world we live in today has so much fear and worry, we have to start somewhere and my somewhere is with myself and equipping my children to be even better for their future and the world around them.

About Brittany Rogers

Brittany Rogers lives in Lewis Center with her husband, two young boys and two dogs. An HR senior manager by day and learning all things superhero from her toddler by night. She enjoys wine, cheese and believes everyone should celebrate with champagne. She’s a certified coach with a passion for leadership and human development. After receiving her first diary at 6 years old, writing has been a version of personal therapy. She likes to read, do home renovations with her husband, plan their new build home and is always up for a date night. Follow her family and/or building account: @realliferaisingrogers or @BuildingDreams_FromGroundUp.